The Secrets That We Keep
by Idiosyncratic Enigma
Summary: Back in the current world, Olivia drops a bomb on Casey, who ends up finding closure in the news.
1. The Secrets That We Keep

Chapter title: The Secrets That We Keep  
Pairing: C/O friendship and somewhat C/"original character"  
Publish date: 3/17/06  
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone.  
Notes: Spoilerish for "Runaway."  
The story title is from the Guster song "Diane."

Everyone in the Special Victims Unit has a secret. Well, perhaps secret isn't the best word. Everyone has something in their past they don't talk about. We may know the basics, but it is never actually described to us in detail. Not that I want someone to tell me all their painful memories – but I'd gladly listen if they sought me out. Everyone thinks their personal tragedy is the worst, and perhaps it is, because it's theirs, and it's so real to them and right there under the surface. And usually it stays hidden because the secret-keeper is too afraid of the emotions that would accompany it, of what would happen. And even if they say they'll forget about it, put it out of their mind, they still think about it every day, because it's part of their soul.

Olivia bared her soul to me, once. That night at the bar when she told me about her mother. That was the first and only glimpse I've gotten of her past, of what makes her tick. Since then our talks have been work related or just casual chit-chat. I had been so shocked she was sharing such intimate details with me that I didn't know what to say. I'm sure whatever I did say came out wrong and too harsh. That's what happens when I try to sound sympathetic. I've never been one to offer comfort – mainly because I've never been in a situation where I need to – or accept it. I was raised in a family of boys and was practically expected to behave like one. If I cried, it would be alone in my room with the lights out and my comforter over my head. I grew up learning to hide my emotions, and that is part of the reason why I decided to become a lawyer.

I was always good at keeping my emotions in check, until the Lauren Westley case. There was something about it that made me uncomfortable, something that hit too close to home. But I didn't dwell on it because I knew my emotions would get the better of me, and I needed to remain the stoic ADA that everyone seemed to hate. I wouldn't be able to do my job as effectively if I had emotional ties to the cases. But then a few months later, we had another self-abortion case and that really threw me through a loop. I put on my best poker face and by the grace of God I made it through the trial. I was shocked when we won because I didn't remember anything I said, any arguments, nothing. Everything was a blur. When I heard "guilty" from the foreman and Judge Petrovsky let us go, I nearly leapt over the divider and ran out of the courtroom. I stopped in my office briefly to pick some things up before heading home. I changed into pajamas, turned off the lights, and settled on my couch with a bottle of Pinot. Just as I was about to allow myself to acknowledge these suppressed thoughts and emotions, my buzzer went off.

I didn't want company. I was so used to wallowing in solitude that it felt weird to break tradition. I just wanted to cry alone in the darkness of my apartment. But the buzzing was persistent, so I went to my call box.

"Yeah?"

"Casey, its Olivia. Will you buzz me up?"

"Olivia, I'm really not in the mood for company right now."

"I brought dinner. Take out."

"Olivia, I-"

She cut me off. "Hey, I bought dinner. At least let me eat with you and then I'll leave, if that's what you really want."

I sighed. I buzzed her in and unlocked the door, then went back to the couch. By the time she got to my apartment, I had convinced myself I did want company, and perhaps talking to someone about my inner demons wouldn't be such a bad thing. I didn't want to dump this in Olivia's lap without any warning, though. If she asked, I'd tell. If she didn't, I wouldn't.

I was too exhausted to move when she arrived. She flipped on the lights, and the sudden brightness hurt my eyes. I kept my eyes closed as she set the food on my coffee table and went to get plates, moving around my kitchen like she had been there several times before. When she came back she studied me in silence before sitting down at the other end of the couch.

"You look really worn out, Casey," she said, setting the plates next to the food. "Maybe I shouldn't stay. I'll just stick these in the fridge and you can go to bed."

"No!" I said, perhaps too eagerly. I cleared my throat to cover it. "No, stay. I'd actually like a little company. I get kinda lonely sometimes, you know?" I didn't realize how much I wanted – and needed – someone to talk to until I had it. Kind of like how you don't miss something until it's gone, except the other way around.

"Yeah. I got a dog a few years ago to help with that, but he ran away after a few months. He's probably better off on his own."

I smiled. For a few minutes we ate in silence. I hadn't realized how hungry I had been. I hadn't had much of an appetite for the duration of the trial, and I knew I had lost weight. It felt good to eat.

I avoided looking at Olivia, but I knew she was staring at me. I shifted uncomfortably under her gaze – nobody likes to be the object of scrutiny. Finally, I looked up. I could see the questions clouding her eyes.

"Is everything okay, Casey?" she asked softly. I didn't know how to answer that. I didn't know if she meant just in general or if she could see past my strong façade and wanted to know something deeper. So I just shrugged. "We've been a little worried about you."

I tried to hold back a snort of laughter. Not that I was disdainful of their concern, but the fact that there had been any in the first place. I started to pour another glass of wine for myself, but Olivia took both the bottle and the glass away. I was a little irritated – who was she to monitor my drinking?

"Casey, don't drown your problems in alcohol. Please. Even if they go away for a little bit, they'll still be there when you sober up. And if you keep turning to alcohol to solve your problems – well, I don't want you to go down that road." She was almost pleading with me, and I remembered what she told me about her mother. I didn't want to be labeled as the person who drank away all her problems, so I nodded.

"So, you said everyone has been worried? Why?"

Olivia leaned forward. "Why? Casey, you've practically been a zombie the past couple of weeks. Your mind has been somewhere else from the start of this case. You tried to cover it up but, frankly, you did a really shitty job about it. We just didn't know how to approach you. We didn't want you to feel like we were ganging up on you. You've lost weight, you're pale…"

"I'm always pale," I reminded her.

She smiled and continued. "And especially today, when you bolted out of the courtroom so fast after the verdict, I knew something was up. Something has been eating at you."

I shook my head. "No, it's too much to dump on you tonight. And you only came over for dinner, anyway."

"Dinner was just an added bonus. I could tell you haven't eaten much lately. I really came over to see if you were okay."

"No, you hear terrible stories day in and day out. Let's just have a normal conversation," I stalled.

"Clearly, you aren't," she said, stepping over my words. My mouth was open in protest, but no words came out. She was right, I really wasn't okay. "You don't have to confide in me, I'll understand. But just know that you can talk to me. You're my friend, and I'm here when you need me."

I wanted so much to tell her, but I was terrified of revealing my secret to her – to anyone, for that matter. But at the same time, I had reached the point in my life where I couldn't keep it to myself anymore. Nobody knew. Only me, my boyfriend, the doctor, and God. I had never shared this piece of information with anyone, even though it made up a big chunk of my past.

Before the Westley case it had been a thought at the back of my head, something I knew was there, but never acknowledged – never wanted to – but now it was a constant reminder. It's kind of like pain – sometimes it will go away for awhile if you don't think about it. But, eventually, it will come back, and sometimes it hurts even more. I felt like some part of me was begging to let it out, but I was afraid. It was starting to eat away at me. But I was too ashamed and embarrassed to tell anyone. That time in my life was still so vivid and painful, I wasn't sure if I was ready to relive it. I also didn't want Olivia to see me differently, as less of a person. I respected her too much to lose whatever traces of friendship we had. Yet she had already seen me at my weakest, when I was attacked my office. The thing is, we were still on uneven ground and I didn't want to scare her away. But I needed a friend. I had been without a close one for so long my solitude was starting to get to me. I needed someone to talk to and someone to listen.

I had to tell someone tonight. I was more afraid of what would happen if I didn't than if I did, worried I'd retreat into myself and I wouldn't be able to do my job or move on with my life. I had been pushing it away for too long. I figured the embarrassment of telling Olivia, as hard as it might be, wouldn't be as bad as the possibility of losing my job and career. And I guess I knew in the back of my mind that Olivia, of all people, would be the last person to judge me. I knew I could trust her. So I wrapped my blanket around me and clutched a pillow to my stomach and spilled my soul to Olivia.


	2. Everything Starts Today

Chapter title: Everything Starts Today  
Chapter summary: Going back about 15 years, Casey relives the night of her senior prom.

Pairing: Casey/Chad  
Publish date: March 21, 2006  
Disclaimer: Ownership of Dick Wolf & Co. characters are not mine. I do, however, own Chad Jackson. The chapter title is yet another Guster lyric from "Keep it Together." I don't own Guster or their lyrics, but I do own their CDs. :)

Note: Sorry, the first chapter had spoilers for "Rockabye," not "Runaway." I think because the girl was considered a runaway, that was what popped into my head. slaps wrists with ruler for not double checking

Note part 2: Maybe Casey IS making a big deal out of telling Olivia. But think, have you ever had a secret – big or small – that you worried once you told someone, they'd see you differently? That's all I'll say for now, I'll address those concerns in another chapter.

Thank you Kim for your insight and background. That website was very helpful.

Prom night. It's the night to look forward to all year, hell, all four years of high school. My high school had the best proms. I'm sure every school claims that, but ours was truly amazing. Granted, I had only heard about my own school's proms, so I really don't have much to base it on. But the point is, prom is a big deal at my school. I'd even go as far to say it's bigger than the Homecoming game. At any rate, it was my senior year, and I had been looking forward to this night for years. Freshmen were absolutely not allowed, only a handful of sophomores were invited, most of the juniors, and all the seniors. I didn't have any sort of date my junior year so I didn't go. This year, however, I was going with Chad Jackson. We met during the summer when we co-coached the elementary school's summer baseball camp and started dating sometime around the start of spring semester. Our school was fairly big, which is why we never ran into each other or had classes together before. We officially became boyfriend and girlfriend around Valentine's Day. By that I mean we had "the talk," the discuss-the-relationship talk. We decided we really liked each other and from that point we were practically inseparable. There were times when he tried to act all macho in front of his friends, which always hurt, and we had our share of fights, but when he'd bring me flowers I'd melt and remember why I was so in love with him.

I was a little sad as I was getting ready that night. This was one of the many times I longed for my mother (she had taken off before my younger brother Seth turned one) to be there with me, to paint my nails or curl my hair, or help me zip up my dress. My dad and brothers were great, but it wasn't the same. My oldest brother, Matt, must have sensed something was wrong and went out to buy me a dress. Bless his heart, he brought back a bright pink dress with long sleeves and so much tulle Chad and I would have to stand an arms length away from each other. When I tried it on he realized his mistake and took me with him to pick out a dress. My find was an emerald green, satiny dress. It had tiny straps and the zipper was covered by a length of fabric that matched the color of the dress. I felt elegant and beautiful, and for once my red hair and pale skin worked in my favor.

Chad picked me up early for a dinner at a nice restaurant. I had my duffel bag packed for the evening. We told our families we were going to the after party and were going to crash at a friend's house. But really, our plan was to be cliché and stay at a hotel and spend our first "real" night together. I was nervous and for a big chunk of dinner my mind was focused on the upcoming night. Chad was the decision-maker, and I had little to no input in it. I tried to object but he never listened. I didn't want to be a baby about it, but I didn't feel quite ready to give such an important piece of myself over to him. At least not yet.

At the party we played blackjack for awhile and raked up lots of money/vouchers/points. After that we hit the dance floor. I'm so uncoordinated, and I'm sure I made a fool out of myself the way I was dancing, but I didn't care. I was having so much fun. At some point Chad disappeared for a few minutes and a few minutes after he came back the DJ played our song. Chad led me to the back of the dance floor where only a few people were standing. He wrapped his arms around me and I rested my head on his chest. I could hear and practically feel his heart beating, fast and strong. When he kissed the top of my head I felt this surge of love for him. It was different than anything I'd felt before. I knew right then that, for me, this was the defining moment of our relationship, and it would be the most precious moment I'd remember. After the song was over we just stood there for several seconds, embraced in each others arms. I don't know about him, but I didn't want that moment to end. When we finally pulled apart, he led me to a corner where we made out until a chaperone admonished us and we went back to the blackjack table. The rest of the evening we alternated between gambling and dancing. At the end of the night was the auction, and with our winnings pooled together we won dinner at a nice restaurant and theatre tickets.

We went to an all night diner and had pancakes – in our prom attire, might I add – then changed into comfortable clothes before heading to the hotel. We wanted to be discreet about it, so we didn't wear our fancy clothes to the hotel. We hoped people would think of us as a college couple on a weekend trip, not awkward high school students having sex after prom. Chad didn't want our first time to be in a seedy motel, so he fished out some extra money and we stayed somewhere nice. Well, nicer than a seedy motel. Not nice like a fancy chain such as the Marriott or the Hyatt.

When the door closed my apprehension returned. I didn't want to do it, I wasn't ready. But I knew Chad would be furious with me for copping out at the last minute, especially after he paid for the hotel room and dinner. And I didn't want to ruin what had been a perfect night up to this point.

I sat on the edge of the bed, unsure of what to do and just plain nervous. Chad sat down next to me and we started kissing. His hands ran down my chest and stomach and he unbuttoned my shirt and tossed it on the floor. He pulled his t-shirt over his head and tossed it next to my shirt. He kissed my shoulders and neck as he unhooked my bra, then sat back to examine me. We had never actually seen each other naked. We'd messed around plenty of times but it was always touching under the clothes. The greedy way he looked my breasts made me uncomfortable and I had to resist the temptation to cover myself up. He was starting to undo my pants when I placed my hands on his shoulders and pushed him away.

"Not yet," I whispered. His hands lingered on my zipper before moving to my waist and we lay down on the bed, kissing like it was the last time we'd ever be together. After several minutes he made a trail of kisses down my stomach and to my jeans, where he once again tried to take them off. I patted his head. "I'm still not ready," I said when he looked up. Something changed in his face then. He straightened up and sat back on his heels, almost pinning me beneath him.

"What do you mean, you aren't ready?"

"I thought I was, but I'm not."

"Casey, we planned this together. You agreed!"

_Only because you kept pressuring me_, I thought. "I know, but I've thought about it and I'm not ready yet. Can't we wait?"

"Wait?" he asked incredulously. He snorted. "I've been waiting long enough, Casey. Don't you love me?"

"Of course I love you, Chad."

"Then let's do it."

"I don't know…"

Then he hit me. Not a punch or a slap, but a backhand on the right side of my waist. I froze and willed the tears back. "Bitch, you don't love me," he said, spitting out each word. He rolled off me and sat on the edge of the bed. I was hurt by his words and his actions, but I was terrified he'd leave so I got up and put my arms around him from behind and rested my head on his shoulder.

"Baby, I do love you."

"If you loved me, you'd have sex with me."

I bit my lip. Lose my virginity or lose Chad? "Okay."

"Good." He turned around and pushed me down on the bed and pulled my pants and underwear off. He was no longer gentle and loving but rough and animal-like. I was almost afraid of him. If he didn't get his way I wouldn't put it past him to take off with my clothes and leave me to fend for myself. I tried to convince myself he was only frustrated with me at the moment and it would change. I realized as he was lowering himself on top of me we didn't have any protection.

"Wait, Chad. Wait. Do you have a condom?"

"No."

"Maybe we should-"

"No, we aren't waiting. Besides, you can't get pregnant the first time."

"I don't think that's true."

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it is. I heard it somewhere. Health class, I think."

So I nodded. It was all I could do at this point. When he entered me, it hurt. It hurt so much more than I expected it would, and I bit my lip to keep from crying out. From my non-existent experience, it seemed too rough – to the point where it was painful. He wasn't touching me or kissing me. Sex wasn't supposed to be like this. It was supposed to be wonderful and gentle and feel good – the complete opposite of what I was experiencing. I wasn't enjoying it at all. Chad, on the other hand, was a different story. I couldn't look at him, so I closed my eyes and just lay there, waiting for it to be over. When he finished, he collapsed on top of me and didn't move for a few minutes. I started to cry silently and tried to push him off me. He grunted and rolled over, mumbling something that sounded like "that was good." He rolled over, his back to me, and after a few minutes he began to snore softly. When I was sure he was asleep, I slipped out of bed and into the bathroom.

I turned on the hot water until steam filled the tiny bathroom, and then I stepped in. I washed myself and when I was done, I was hit with this overwhelming sadness. I didn't like it. I didn't like the person Chad had become. I almost felt violated. I sank to the floor of the tub and wrapped my arms around my knees and cried. I cried until the hot water ran out.


	3. Were You Always Cruel?

Chapter title: Were You Always Cruel?  
Chapter summary: Casey deals with the aftermath of prom.  
Publish date: April 5, 2006  
Disclaimer: I still don't own anyone or anything to do with Law & Order, nor do I own Guster or their songs. Chad is still mine, even though he is a pig.  
Note: Going with my theme of Guster lyric titles, this one is from my favorite Guster song, "Either Way."

* * *

When I got back in bed, I don't even think Chad knew I had left. The entire night he slept with his back to me, and it was almost like he was careful to not touch me. I never really fell asleep that night. I lay there, curled in a ball, until Chad woke up. He got out of bed, put on his boxers and jeans, then did the push-shake thing to wake me up. I rolled over to face him, expecting a good morning kiss. Instead I got a command: "Hurry up and get dressed. I have to take you home." He was already moving about the room, packing up his things before heading into the bathroom to shower.

I got dressed slowly and made coffee, then sat in a chair by the window while I waited for Chad to get ready.

"Good, you made coffee," he said, pouring himself a glass. He took a big swig before spitting it back in the cup and then tossing it all down the sink. "That tastes like shit." He wiped his mouth with a hand towel then threw it on the floor.

"I-I-" I began, trying to make feeble excuse. He cut me off by tossing my jacket to me, grabbing his bag, and heading for the door.

"Are you coming or not?" he asked in the open doorway, his foot tapping impatiently. I nodded and went to get my bag before following him out to the truck. He didn't open the door for me. I don't know what went wrong, but this morning Chad was a completely different person. He's only gotten this way when we've had a big fight, but I can't remember fighting. I just wanted to go home, crawl in bed, and cry.

When we arrived at my house, he made no effort to get out and walk me to the door. "Well, see you later," he said, not looking at me. I paused before getting out of the car, debating on whether or not I wanted to try for a goodbye kiss. Before I could make my decision, he turned to look at me, his blue eyes cold and hard. "Are you gonna get out? I need to be somewhere."

I felt like I had been slapped. "Oh. Okay. I'll see you at school. Thanks for, uh, everything." I hopped out of the truck and closed the door. I leaned in to the open window to say "I love you," but he was already driving off. I stared after him until he turned off my street, then walked slowly up to the front door. It was Sunday morning. That meant my dad and Matt were at church, Evan was working, and Seth was still asleep. So at least I'd have a little privacy. I crawled in bed and pulled the comforter over my head and cried. I didn't want to think about what had happened, but no matter how hard I tried, it was all I could think about. Why Chad had suddenly become this cruel animal, why he didn't seem to care about me. I thought that this whole time he had just been using me, but I pushed the thought from my head. Chad wasn't like that. He coached elementary baseball. He went to church. He was going to college on a sports scholarship and was going to be a doctor. People like that don't use their girlfriends. I comforted myself with these thoughts, but I still felt miserable. I cried myself to sleep.

I awoke later to a soft knock on my door. It was Matt, and it was already dark out. I looked at my clock: 7:30. I must have looked like a train wreck; I know I felt like one. He came over and sat next to me.

"Casey my daisy, what's wrong?" he asked softly, brushing my hair out of my face. Out of all my brothers, I'm the closest to Matt, and his affection was more than I could handle right then. I started to cry again and pulled my comforter back over my head. I didn't want him to see me cry and I couldn't tell him what happened. I was too embarrassed. But he wouldn't let me get away that easily. He pulled the comforter back down. "Come on Casey. Something happened."

"Nothing, I'm fine."

"Girls don't come home after their senior prom and cry."

I bit my lip and sat up. I had to give him an answer otherwise he'd never leave me alone. "I think Chad is gonna break up with me. At the after party, I saw him flirting with other girls."

The way he looked at me made me think he knew the truth, and that I was lying, but he didn't push me further. He just hugged me and let me cry on his shoulder. After a few minutes he pushed me away. "Dad's cooking tonight, do you want to come down, or do you want to eat up here?"

"I don't really feel like company. And I'm not very hungry."

"Casey, have you eaten at all today?" he asked. I shook my head. "You need to eat. And after dinner – you, me, and Seth can go to the batting cages. Work off a little steam. You know that sounds good," he said, grinning and punching me in the arm. I smiled in spite of myself and agreed. He left me alone then, and I showered before joining my family for dinner.

My family didn't ask about prom. I guess they somehow knew that it didn't turn out as well as I hoped it would, and that I'd say something when I was ready. I appreciated that.

After dinner my oldest and youngest brother and I went to the batting cages. I lost myself there. I think I hit nearly every ball that came out of the chute.

"Geez, Casey. What did the ball ever do to you?" Seth asked. He was standing in the aisle behind me, a bewildered look on his face.

"Bad day, Seth. The balls are everything that's happened," I said, not looking at him, just focusing on the making contact. I guess he accepted that answer, and sat on one of the benches and waited for me and Matt to finish. I don't know how many rounds I went through, I just kept going and going. After the last round I realized there was only one other person in the cages. Matt and Seth were sitting on a bench behind me, waiting silently.

"Guys, how long have you been waiting?" I asked, discarding my helmet and stuffing my gloves and bat into a bag.

"Oh, about an hour," Matt said, looking at his watch. "It's nearly midnight."

"You should have said something!"

"Yeah, well, you were pretty hardcore out there. I figured with everything that happened, you needed to get it all out of your system."

I gave him a half smile and the three of us walked to the car. Poor Seth was exhausted. I think he fell asleep on the ride home. I was afraid my dad would be angry for getting Seth home so late on a school night (he's in 8th grade), but he just waved us up the stairs.

That night I lay in bed for hours, thinking that it had only been a day. One day had passed since the night that was supposed to be the happiest of my life. So far, at least. The night that was supposed to be so special, so wonderful, so intimate. Yet it wasn't. It wasn't anything like I thought it would be. I felt disappointed, stupid, and violated, even. I didn't like these feelings and they made me feel sick to my stomach. And Chad and I barely even spoke after it was all over. I didn't understand – if I did something or said something that offended him, or if it was all just in my head. I needed to talk to him. I just hoped that he had been in a funk and would be back to his normal self tomorrow.

* * *

I didn't see Chad until lunch the next day, and he barely stopped to say hi as he rushed off campus for lunch. He made it clear he didn't want me to come along, so I sat with my friends, but I felt so out of the loop. I didn't realize how much time I had spent with Chad until then, when I couldn't keep up with their gossip and conversations. I had been a bad friend, a bad girlfriend – what else could I screw up?

"Casey? Casey!" Jessica was calling to me, waving her hand in front of my face. I shook my head and snapped out of my thoughts.

"Yeah?"

"You okay? You kind of started crying."

"I'm fine. Just…bad day." I wiped my eyes and hoped the conversation would continue on again. They knew I didn't want to talk about it so they didn't push for details. After a few seconds of studying me, making sure I was okay, they launched back into their conversation.

Through the lunch room window I saw Chad making his way across the quad. I jumped up, grabbed my bag, and went after him.

"Chad!" I called out. He kept going as though he hadn't heard me. I ran after him, still calling out to him. I finally caught up to him and grabbed his arm. He shook me off. "Chad, I need to talk to you."

"I can't right now Casey. I have to study for a test next period. I didn't get to because of this weekend. I'll call you later," he said, avoiding looking in my eyes. He made it sound like it was my fault. He turned on his heel and walked off, leaving me alone. I didn't want to go back to the lunch room so I sat on a bench and stared off into space until the bell rang.

The next two days were like that. He'd run off campus for lunch and would come up with some excuse for not being able to talk to me. It was a test, he wasn't feeling good, his friend needed help with his French homework. It was always something. And we didn't have any classes together so I couldn't corner him then.

I finally got him after school on Thursday. I managed to get out of my last period class a few minutes early, and waited outside his class for him to leave.

"Not now, Casey." He said when he saw me. He brushed past me and went to his locker. I followed right on his heels.

"Yes, now."

"I can't, I have practice."

"Bullshit, Chad. Bullshit. You don't have practice. You think I don't know your schedule?" The halls were already emptying, but the few people that were hanging around stopped to stare at us.

Chad looked around, leaned in, and whispered, "Coach just scheduled it today. I'm sorry, but I have to go."

"No."

"Casey, I don't have a choice. Now move, I need to get going."

"No!" I yelled, slamming my hand against a locker so hard the one next to it popped open. I slammed that one closed as well. I stepped up to him.

"Don't be so childish," he said, calmly closing his locker.

I stared at him coldly for a second before pushing his backpack out of his hands and it fell to the floor. I continued to stare at him defiantly until he looked away and bent down to pick up his bag.

"Fine. What."

"Let's go somewhere where we can talk."

"No. You were so gung-ho to talk to me, we'll do it here."

Who was this person? Where was my sweet Chad? I took a deep breath. "What did I do, Chad? Why are you avoiding me?"

"I'm not avoiding you. I've been busy."

"Call it whatever you want, you don't want to be around me. Tell me, what did I do?"

He looked around then stared right into my eyes. "Why were you so reluctant Saturday night?"

"I wasn't ready. Or I didn't feel ready. I was scared."

"Yeah. You were scared and you didn't trust me. That's exactly what I'm looking for in a relationship – lack of trust," he said sarcastically.

"Chad, we've only been dating for four months!"

"But we've known each other for nearly a year."

"That doesn't mean I'm ready to" I looked around and lowered my voice "have sex with you."

"What does that have to do with anything? There have been plenty of girls who've put out in less time than you."

"So? You want me to be like all the other girls?"

"Of course not." He put his hands on my waist, trying to draw me closer. "You were nothing like them. Not the best, but certainly not the worst."

That stopped me in my tracks. "What do you mean? I – I thought you were a virgin too."

He looked like he had just said something he wasn't supposed to. "Well…I wasn't. I lied. And if you want me to be completely honest, I didn't think you'd do it if you knew I wasn't a virgin." He smiled to himself. "Wasn't it good, though?"

I slapped him as hard as I could across the face. I narrowed my eyes, forcing back the tears. "What a hypocrite."

"Casey," he began, reaching out for me.

"No," I said, stepping back, pulling my arm out of his reach. "Don't you fucking touch me, you hypocrite. You talk about all this trust bullshit, about how it was a problem I didn't trust you because I wasn't ready. The thing is, I _did_ trust you. This whole time. And I shouldn't have trusted you. What kind of relationship did you expect us to have? Certainly not one built on this so-called notion of trust. You lied to me about something huge, and you knew how I felt about it. How do you expect me to trust you?"

"I didn't tell you because I thought you'd go away."

"And that's exactly what you wanted, right? From the start. How could I have been so stupid? That's all I've been to you, right? A conquest. The virgin you got to fuck on prom night and tell all your buddies about it. And then pretend to be busy and don't have time for me so I'll eventually just stop bothering you and the relationship ends. You think I'm that dense? Maybe I am, because I didn't see through you from the beginning. Tell me, did you start planning this from the moment we met or was it when we started to date? 'Show everyone I can get Casey Novak to sleep with me, and then dump her,' was that your plan all along? No. Don't answer that. I don't want to know."

"Casey…"

I slung my bag over my shoulder and started to walk backwards to the exit. "No. Don't talk to me. Don't ever fucking talk to me again, Chad." I opened the door to the street. "Fucking prick." I left, and the door slammed closed satisfactorily behind me.

I walked home as fast as I could. I went straight up to my room and threw my bag on the floor. I just stood there, in the middle of my room, for several seconds, until the reality of what happened sunk in. I collapsed to the floor, sobbing. I pulled my comforter of my bed and wrapped it around myself, burying my face in it to muffle my sobs. I didn't think it was possible for it to hurt this bad. My chest literally hurt. I felt so betrayed, my trust was shattered. I didn't know if or how I'd ever be able to recover.


	4. Woke Up Today to Everything Gray

Chapter title: Woke Up Today to Everything Gray  
Chapter summary: Just when Casey starts to heal after her break-up with Chad, her life is torn apart again when she finds out she's pregnant.  
Publish date: April 24, 2006  
Disclaimer: I don't own anybody except Chad. The only things I own related to Guster are their CDs.  
Note: The chapter title is from another of my favorite Guster songs, "What You Wish For."

* * *

I didn't want to get out of bed the next morning. I felt so humiliated. How could I have not seen through Chad? It had all been too good to be true, finding a guy who liked me for me. And it had all been a ruse, fake. All the feelings I had for him weren't reciprocated. All I was to him was a name on a checklist, someone he could cross off when he was finished with them. And I had believed him the whole fucking time. He was my first boyfriend, and I had been so excited that someone was finally paying attention to me, I guess I overlooked a lot of things. Sometimes when he was angry with me he'd slap me or grab my arms so tight he'd leave finger mark bruises. It all made sense now, but then it didn't. He'd always apologize immediately afterwards and we'd make out, and the next time he'd see me he'd have chocolate or flowers. And he knew I was a stickler for flowers.

I dragged myself out of bed and somehow made it through the day. I was so glad it was the weekend, and I was planning on wallowing the entire time, alone in my room. I didn't want to go to school. I just knew that everyone would be talking about me. And sure enough, I overheard a conversation in the bathroom.

"I heard she lost her virginity to him, and it was so bad he broke up with her. I heard he never really liked her much anyway," Natalie, a snobby popular girl was saying to one of her friends as they did their makeup before school started. I walked out of the stall then, and Natalie faked a surprised look. "Oh, Casey, I didn't know you were there. So sorry to hear you broke up with Chad." But there wasn't any sympathy in her voice, and I realized she had planned for me to overhear her conversation. I wasn't about to bite, so I silently washed my hands and left, and I could hear their laughter as the door closed behind me. How can people be so cruel?

I went to the basketball court, and thankfully, it was empty, with the exception of a girl doing homework in the corner. I sat on one of the bleachers and put my face in my hands and spent the next several minutes taking deep breaths. I didn't realize Jessica was sitting next to me until I looked up, and I nearly jumped out of my skin.

"Jesus, Jess, you scared me!" I said, putting my hand over my heart, as if I could manually slow it down.

She didn't say anything at first, just gave me a sad smile. She put her hand on my back and whispered, "I'm so sorry, Casey." Tears sprang to my eyes and I tried to blink them back, but it was no use. I was hurting too much. She put her arms around me and I cried. The bell rang, but neither of us moved and she sat with me until I had calmed down. By then I was emotionally exhausted, but at least it didn't look like I'd been crying, so I felt okay about going to class. The bell rang as we made our way down to next class.

"Casey, you know you can tell me anything, right?" she asked before going into her classroom. I nodded and whispered a thank you as I moved on to my own class. It was good to know I had friends that would stick by me. I had never doubted their friendship, but I thought they might not care because I had been so distant the past few months – Chad was the only person I ever hung out with. That was my own mistake, but I'm glad my friends didn't fault me for it.

* * *

It wasn't until two weeks later that I realized I had missed my period and was a week late. I had never been late. The most irregular I had ever been was two days. This was a week, and this time, I had sex. I was terrified. What if I was pregnant? What was I going to do? Who could I tell? Chad, of course. He had to know. Maybe this had all been in my head, maybe he really did care about me but we just needed some time apart. Maybe Chad would know what to do – I sure didn't. I shook my head. A week late, that's not too bad, is it? I might not really be pregnant. "You can't get pregnant the first time," I whispered to myself. But I knew deep down it was a lie. You could.

The day after I had the realization, I took a different route home from school and bought a pregnancy test. But where to take it? I didn't want my friends to know. I love them very much but I know they wouldn't be able to keep it to themselves. And no point in tell Chad if it was just a false alarm, right? Finally, I decided to take it at home and hide everything in my backpack, then dispose of it on my way to school the next day.

When I got home Evan was the only one there. Seth had some sort of after school practice then dinner with his teammates, Matt had night class, and my dad was working the night shift. Evan would be home all night, but he never really bothered us. He lives in our garage apartment and only comes down for food or football games (he claims its more fun to watch sports with people rather than alone). At 24, he already has his doctorate. The program he went through gave him his masters and his doctorate in two and a half years, plus he graduated a year early from high school and a semester early from college. Evan works for a drug company, but he's living at home, saving his money, so he can move overseas. So dad thought because his middle son got his doctorate before his oldest got his masters, the middle son gets the garage apartment. Anyway, that was probably too much information. At any rate, I more or less had the house to myself until about eight.

I locked the door to the bathroom and took the pregnancy test. I set my stopwatch for two minutes and sat on the counter, my hands trembling. When the timer went off, my heart started racing. I didn't think I could look at the result. I wanted to know, but at the same time, I didn't. I took a deep breath and turned over the test.

"Shit," I whispered. I took another test, and it came back with the same result. There was no denying it, I was pregnant. I stuffed the test and its box at the bottom of my bag and sank to the floor. Suddenly I felt cold and nauseous and I got sick in the toilet. What was I going to do?

For me, this was a moral dilemma. I had always been against abortions. But now that I was faced with an unwanted pregnancy, I realized I really hadn't known what I was talking about. Before, I viewed it as killing an innocent baby and the people who had abortions were terrible people. That a girl found out she was pregnant one day and the very next she was having an abortion. It isn't like that. I see now that it isn't an easy decision to make. It's funny how your views change when you are actually experiencing it.

I spent the entire night thinking about it. I don't think I slept at all. I hadn't made any decisions by morning, except I needed to tell Chad. How to get him alone and actually listen to me wouldn't be easy. Ever since our little spat in the hallway, he's avoided me like the plague. I haven't exactly wanted to hang around him myself. So I excused myself from my last class a few minutes early so I could grab him as he left his last class. When he saw me, he rolled his eyes and pushed past me, but I followed him to his locker.

"Casey, leave me alone. I'm not coming back to you, so don't ask," he said, stuffing his books into his locker.

"I don't _want_ you to come back to me. I need to talk to you. It's important," I said softly, hugging my books to my chest. My heart was pounding already.

"Fine. Make it quick. It's Friday and I want to get home."

"I don't want anyone to hear. Can we wait till the hallway has cleared? Or go somewhere?"

"I'm not going anywhere with you." He closed his locker and leaned against it, looking at me expectantly, with a look of disgust on his face. How had this happened? Why was I suddenly filth in his eyes? I shook my head to clear those thoughts. I had to be strong when delivering this bit of news. Finally the halls were clear.

"I'm late. I took a test last night. I'm pregnant." I let it all out at once. I held my breath, waiting for his response. I expected him to take it badly, but not like this. He grabbed my arms, causing me to drop my books, and forcibly threw me against the lockers.

"What?" he exclaimed, his face close to mine.

"I'm pregnant. And you're the only guy I've ever been with."

His fingers curled around my shirt and he leaned in even closer, practically spitting on me with each hateful word he said. "I'm not going to be a fucking father, and you aren't getting any fucking child support from me." For emphasis he threw me against the lockers again, so hard it knocked the wind out of me and made me fall to the floor in a heap. "Stupid bitch, why did you let yourself get pregnant?" He kicked one of my textbooks away from me and down the hall and then left. I sat there for a few minutes, trying to wrap my brain around what happened. Then I picked up my things and walked home as fast as I could.

I had never been so hurt before in my life. I felt like everything was falling apart. I didn't know what to do, and I didn't know who to turn to for help. I put up my "leave me alone" sign from middle school on my door and locked myself in my room. I hid under the covers and cried, probably for hours. When my tears had subsided, it was dark out. My head had cleared and I was able to think though the possibilities.

God, I couldn't even take care of a goldfish! How could I be expected to raise a child? I was just a kid myself. All the money I had was for college. College. I _had_ to go to college. I had to make something of myself. I saw what it did to my parents. They had my brother too young and ended up not going to college. They had to work long hours at their jobs to make ends meet, and my dad had to take two jobs when my mom left, up until Matt turned 16 and could get a job of his own. It hasn't been easy for my family. Every time one of us turned 16 we were expected to look for a job. We had to help support the family. That isn't exactly the case now, with Evan bringing in decent money through the pharmaceutical company, but I can't live off his income. I _have_ to go to college. I'm going to be a lawyer. I haven't decided if I want to be a prosecutor or a defense lawyer, but either way I'll make enough to live on my own. It's the only way to get out of the house, this neighborhood. If I had a child, I wouldn't go to college. I know I'd plan to after the baby was born, but then I'd have to find affordable and reliable day care, which I couldn't afford. And I knew I wouldn't be able to find the effort to go back to school once the baby was old enough. I'd heard stories from people around town, family friends, who said they wished they had gone on to college right out of high school. They had lost their momentum too much to return after taking time off. I didn't want that to happen to me. If I had a baby and didn't continue my education, I'd fall into the same loop as my parents, only this time, I'd be all alone. At least my parents had each other. And I didn't want to bring a child into the world only to give it away.

Having to make such a difficult decision was made even more difficult without anyone to support me. Sure, I could go to my friends, but I couldn't face the shame of letting someone I knew and loved know that I had gotten pregnant out of carelessness. I didn't want them to look at me differently. And I certainly couldn't tell my father, it would devastate him. I was his angel, his only daughter. I looked up to my brothers too much to tell them. I couldn't handle my family's disappointment if they knew.

I could kick myself – I never should have had unprotected sex. I was so afraid if I didn't, I'd lose Chad. As it turned out, I lost him anyway.


	5. Never Be the Same Again

Chapter title: Never Be the Same Again  
Chapter summary: Casey tries to abort the baby herself, but is caught, and she finally confides in someone about her situation.  
Publish date: June 13, 2006  
Disclaimer: My roommate and I have an "I get enter name of hot actor" board, and Elliot is on there for me, but that's as close as I'll ever get to owning anyone from the show. Jessica is mine, and she has nothing to do with the Jessica on _Conviction_.  
Note: I know in the first chapter I wrote that Casey hadn't told anyone other than her boyfriend, but as I was writing the subsequent chapters, I changed my mind.  
Note 2: The title is (surprise!) a Guster song entitled "The Fa Fa Song."  
Note 3: I'm SO sorry for such a long delay! I'm taking two grad level classes right now, plus I'm running a theatre camp, and up until now I've only had time to breathe, eat, and sleep. I hope this chapter (and the next one) was worth the wait.

* * *

That Saturday I went to the public library and signed up for a time slot at a computer. I had thirty minutes to figure out what I wanted to do. I went to a search engine and typed in variations of "self-abortion." I looked up on the Britannica Encyclopedia the same thing. The websites were fairly primitive and the encyclopedia didn't give out much information, but from what I gathered I had a few options: I could beat my stomach, hurt myself some other way that would involve my stomach, excessive exercise, or I could take certain medications. Some of the medicines seemed dangerous, and I didn't want to take anything that could harm me or my body. I didn't want the baby, but not enough that I'd be willing to risk my life to abort it on my own. 

So that afternoon I started my vigorous exercise regimen. It wasn't easy since I was in terrible shape. My exercise was limited to baseball, which really meant the batting cages since we didn't have enough girls that year to make a team, and the boys were against a coed team. I walked to the school and ran around the track a few times, but I was quickly out of breath and my heart was pounding so hard I could see the vibrations in my t-shirt. Sunday I took a break because I was sore, but the next week I hit the track every day after school. It didn't get easier; I still got winded after four laps, but I knew I just had to build up my stamina. Or maybe being out of shape would hurry it along. So each day I added a lap.

The following week it rained, so I stopped running for two days. But by lunch on Wednesday the rain was still coming down with no sign of letting up. I couldn't take off any longer, so I decided I'd just run in the rain. After school I changed in the locker room – which stays open until 6 after school for sports, even if there are no current team sports or there's bad weather – and headed to the track. It was somewhat liberating. After seven laps (my usual maximum) I had a little more energy left than I normally did, so I went ahead and completed two miles. When I finished I just collapsed in the middle of the track, trying to catch my breath. It hadn't been a good idea to run that last lap. I should have kept doing seven until I was stronger. After a few minutes of just sitting in the rain, I stumbled, dripping wet, back into the locker room.

After nearly two weeks, exercise didn't seem to be working. I figured I could handle bruises on my stomach. Nobody would see them anyway. So I lay down on one of the benches and started to hit myself as hard as I could. It hurt the first few times, but after that my body went numb and I couldn't feel it, only a dull thud every time my fist made contact with my stomach. I must have hit myself ten times when I heard a small gasp. It was Jessica. Startled, I sat up and took off my shoes and socks, trying to appear normal and calm.

"What the hell are you doing Casey?" Jess asked softly. She wasn't accusing me, nor did she sound angry or upset. I didn't answer her. She sat next to me and involuntarily I stiffened. "When are you going to tell me, Casey?"

"Tell you what?" I snapped.

"You know."

I slammed my shoes on the floor. "No. I don't. Enlighten me."

"Why you've been killing yourself on the track the past week and a half."

I must be pretty transparent. Either that or Jessica just knows me too well. But I wasn't ready for this, so without thinking, I stood, with the intention to run off. Jessica, although shorter and smaller, is much stronger, and she caught up with me before I even reached the end of the row of lockers. She grabbed my arm and tried to turn me around, but I fought it and tried to keep going. But she was quick, and embraced me from behind, pinning my arms to my sides. I struggled against her, but she was too strong. I resigned myself to the fact I wasn't going to win and stopped fighting. I let her turn me back to face her, but I looked down, unable to meet her eyes. Jess put her hands on my arms and tried to get me to look at her, ducking her head to see my face.

"Casey, what is it going to take to get you to trust me?" she asked when she finally managed to get me to look her in the eye, her voice cracking. I saw that my lack of trust was hurting her. And I realized I really did need to confide in someone. I couldn't keep this to myself any longer.

And that's when the last bit of strength in me dissolved. I collapsed onto a bench, tears streaming like currents down my cheeks, and Jessica sat next to me, sitting sideways on the bench. She reached behind her and got the towel that had been sitting with my things and wrapped it around my shoulders.

I wanted to tell her what had been going on before I completely broke down, but when I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out, I couldn't find the words. She took my face in her hands and pushed the wet hair out of my face and behind my ears, her movements only causing the tears to come faster. She brushed them away with her thumbs. I couldn't see anything, but I knew she was studying my face, trying to find the reason for the heartache that was written all over it. Finally I was pulled into a hug, with Jessica's arms wrapped tightly around me and her chin resting on the top of my head. She rocked me back and forth, murmuring things into my hair, things I wasn't really paying attention to.

Finally I got it all out of my system and sat up straight, unable to meet Jess' eyes. The intimacy of the past few minutes suddenly made me uncomfortable. I wasn't used to other people witnessing my emotions. She put her hand on my shoulder. "It's Chad, isn't it?"

I nodded, still afraid my voice would fail me if I spoke.

"Talk to me, Casey. What did he do?"

I was quiet for a few minutes, trying to get my thoughts in order so I could speak coherently. And then I told her everything: our accelerated relationship, prom night, the fights, and finally, the pregnancy.

"God, Chad is such an ass. I wish I could have seen through him. I'll go beat the shit out of him, if you want," she offered. I smiled at the thought. No doubt Jess could easily take him out. After a pause, she became serious again. "Casey, have you thought about what you're going to do?"

"Yeah," I said slowly. "I – I've decided not to have it."

"I thought you were against abortions?"

"I was. But it's so hard to make a decision when you haven't experienced something, to put your foot down and steadfastly be for or against something. It's easy to say you won't have an abortion if you've never been in the position where you might need to have one. I think I've just been naïve. I've never had to consider the pros and cons. I'm not ready to be a parent and I'm not ready – hell, I'm not strong enough – to go through a full term pregnancy. I don't think I should be forced to if it isn't something I want. It's hard, but I think I'm making the right decision."

Jessica nodded. "You know I support you no matter what."

"Thanks Jess. I don't know what I'd do without you. I thought I'd have to go through this alone."

"Why would you think that?"

"Well, in my current overly emotional state, I thought you wouldn't be my friend anymore. I thought it would be easier if nobody knew and I just moved on with my life after it happened."

"Why? Why doubt me? Have I done anything to make you think that? Because if I have, I'm sorry, and I didn't realize I was doing it." Jessica sounded hurt. It was my fault. I push people away when I need them most, but I didn't know how to explain it to her.

"No, you haven't done anything. It's just me, and that's how I deal with my problems sometimes. I think I'll be better off keeping it to myself and not burdening others with my problems. I know you're here for me and always willing to listen; I'm not doubting your friendship. It sounds stupid, but I guess I doubt my ability to be your friend."

"That's not stupid. But I wish you didn't think that way."

"I do, too."

"Casey, will you do me a favor?" she asked.

"I'll try."

"Will you let me take you to a clinic, like Planned Parenthood, to get an abortion? I don't want you to hurt yourself. The doctors there know what they're doing. You, on the other hand, don't."

I nodded in agreement. Now that I had told someone, now that there was someone on my side, I felt more confident in my decision and knew I could go through with it. Once again we fell into an awkward silence.

"How did you know I'd be here?" I finally asked.

"You've been working out a lot lately, and you were going to run today, even though it's pouring. I knew something was up if you were going to run in the rain – that's just not like you. Plus, you're sitting with us again, we haven't seen you and Chad together for a few weeks, and you're quieter than before. I put two and two together and figured something terrible must have happened between you and Chad. So when I saw you heading out to the track after school, I decided to wait for you and try to talk to you. 'Cause I figured you weren't going to come to me on your own, no matter how badly you wanted to."

I'm lucky to have a friend to see the warning signs like that. "Your instincts were spot on, Jess. Thank you." After a few more minutes of silence, I figured we had said all we needed to say, and changed. Jess walked to our halfway point, and promised she wouldn't tell a soul.

* * *

The following Monday Jess and I skipped school to go to a Planned Parenthood clinic. My appointment was at 11, so we'd be done in time to get back for the afternoon. We got there at 10:30 and there were three couples waiting. I wondered if they were all there for abortions or for some other reason. I signed in and filled out the paperwork, then sat silently as we waited for my name to be called. Jess wasn't going to go in with me, which made me nervous, but the nurse was very friendly and chatty, and she made me feel comfortable.

Twenty minutes later I walked out of the clinic, no longer pregnant. Jess took me to lunch and we skipped the rest of the day. I wanted to be alone, but Jess wasn't going to let me sit around and cry or feel sorry for myself, so we walked around the city and hung out on some swings in a park.

I felt this strange, hollow emptiness in my chest, even though I knew I had made the right decision. I felt guilty; I couldn't help it. I pushed any negative thoughts concerning my ordeal to the back of my mind, telling myself I'd deal with them later. Over the next several months it would creep back into my conscious, but I was never ready to think about it, so I never did. Accepting it made it real, and I was too afraid of what would happen to me emotionally when I did. School consumed my life, so putting it on the backburner – ignoring it – was always much easier than acknowledging it. At least at the time. But over the years it started to eat away at me, begging me to make peace with myself. I had gone for so long ignoring it, I didn't realize what the feelings were when they started to resurface.


	6. You Didn't See it Coming

Chapter title: You Didn't See it Coming  
Chapter summary: Back in the current world, Olivia drops a bomb on Casey, who ends up finding closure in the news.  
Publish date: July 1, 2006  
Disclaimer: I'm only borrowing the characters, Dick Wolf & Co. own them.  
Note: Chapter title is from "Homecoming King."  
Note 2: As I said in the previous chapter, I'm really sorry it took so long to get the chapter out. I really didn't know how I wanted to end it, then I got this idea, but then I didn't know how I wanted to write it. So after several drafts this is the best one.  
Note 3: I hope you enjoy the final chapter!

* * *

A loud clap of thunder brought me back to my apartment. My heart was pounding from the sudden jump from memory to reality. Olivia had inched closer during my story so she was now sitting in the middle of the couch instead of at the opposite end. She was sitting facing me, her head resting in her arms on the back of the couch. Our eyes met briefly and I looked away, embarrassed. Everything was still so vivid, so real, so painful. I had gone back to relive the most painful moments of my life – the first love, the first heartbreak – times I had never gotten past but had pushed to the back of my mind, unwilling to deal with them. I was holding onto the pillow in my lap as if it were my lifeline. I let it go, knocking it to the floor, and brought my hands up to my face. Somehow I had managed to get through my story without crying, and I wasn't going to start now. I rubbed my temples and sighed deeply before bringing them back down.

"Well, that's my secret," I said, trying to smile. "I bet you think I'm a terrible person."

"What? No, of course not."

"I bet I'm making a bigger deal out of this than necessary."

"No, no. It's a lot of baggage to carry. I'm surprised you held yourself together for as long as you did." She was quiet for a few minutes, studying me intently. "Why were you so afraid to tell me?"

"Because…because I didn't want you to see me differently. I didn't want you to judge me."

"I wouldn't. Casey, you have to start giving people – namely your coworkers – a chance. Sometimes I feel that you automatically assume the worst about people's perceptions of you. I know now that probably stems from what happened to you in high school. But we're not out to get you. We're your friends; we want you to trust us."

"I guess I didn't want you guys to think any less of me. I didn't want to be treated any different."

"Why would we do that?"

"I don't know. I guess…I don't know, I don't know how to explain it," I paused, trying to get my thoughts in order. "Okay. You know people whose parents are getting divorced, and how sometimes they won't tell anyone because they're afraid of how they'll be treated? Or seen? Like "poor thing, her parents are splitting up. Let's be extra nice to her" or "that kid is gonna be messed up now, with her parents getting a divorce." That's how I felt. I didn't want anyone's pity. I didn't want to be seen differently. And I didn't want you to not like me anymore. I really value your friendship, Olivia."

"Why wouldn't I like you?" she asked, confused. Then it dawned on her. "You were afraid that I wouldn't like you because you had an abortion, but my mom didn't?" I couldn't answer, so I just nodded. She took my hand again.

"I wasn't as strong as your mother. I could have had the baby. It could have been another you."

"You were strong, just in a different way. It isn't easy to make the decision to have an abortion. It was different with my mom. You two are very different people, and she was living in a different time. You were still in high school; my mom was almost out of college. But Casey, don't forget what my job is. I give women morning after pills all the time. I support women who had or will have abortions. It isn't my place to judge people's choices. My mom was financially and even mentally stable enough to go through with a pregnancy. You were just a kid. There was nothing wrong with what you did."

"I just felt so ashamed. I know I made the right decision, but that doesn't mean I don't feel bad about it."

"There's nothing shameful about having an abortion. There's also nothing shameful about being raped." Right away, Olivia knew she said something wrong. My eyes widened in disbelief. She reached out to me, but I batted her hand away.

"Raped? I wasn't raped!" I said, my heart starting to pound again.

"Oh shit. Casey, I'm sorry. I thought you knew."

"Knew what?"

She paused, unsure if she should go on. But the can of worms had already been opened. "That he raped you."

My eyes narrowed in an attempt to keep the tears at bay. "Bad first sex isn't rape, Olivia."

But Olivia wasn't exactly listening. She was so sure she was right. "You never came to terms with it, did you?"

"I didn't need to. It didn't happen!"

"Casey, he forced you to have sex with him."

I nearly fell off the couch as I scrambled to get up. I stumbled backwards, my hands in front of me as though to ward off whatever Olivia was going to say. "No! No, no, no, no, no!" I circled back behind the couch, shaking my head.

Olivia stood and started to come to me. "Maybe not legally, but mentally, he did."

I raised my hand to silence and stop her. "Don't do this to me, please."

"Casey, all I'm doing is trying to get you to accept what happened."

"It wasn't rape. It was consensual. I said yes!"

"Right, but you didn't want to. You verbally said yes but everything else about you said no. He knew that, you knew that. Am I right?" she asked. I didn't want her to be right, so I just kept silent. "From what you've told me about him, I'm sure Chad would have gotten his way no matter what you said. He took advantage of you – he knew what to say and do to make you give in. I listened to your story, Casey. I've heard hundreds like it," she paused, switching tactics. "After Chad, how long did it take for you to have sex with someone else?"

"Olivia…" I pleaded softly. I didn't want to face this. I looked away and mumbled "four years."

"With Chad, you said you felt violated, right?" Her voice was gentle and soothing.

"…no," I said miserably. I responded to each question that way. It wasn't because they weren't true, but because they _were_ true but I didn't want to accept it. Each time I answered she took a tiny step toward me, and I took a tiny step closer to the window. I just wanted to hide, to run away from myself.

"Dirty?"

"No."

"Attacked?"

"No."

"Do you shower every time after sex?"

"No."

"Cry?"

"No."

"Are you afraid of new relationships? Of your first night with a boyfriend?"

"No."

"Are you jumpy when he touches you in bed?"

Throughout the questioning my eyes filled with tears. Finally, with that last question, I couldn't take it anymore. I threw my hands in the air. "Stop it! Enough!" I wrapped my arms around my waist. "Olivia, would you just stop being a cop and be my friend instead?" I turned to face the window as the tears started to fall. I tried to force them back, to focus instead on the rain streaking lazily down the glass, but the harder I tried to stop them the faster they fell. I heard Olivia's footsteps approaching and stop right behind me. She gently rubbed my upper arms, and I started to fall apart. My shoulders started to shake uncontrollably and I covered my face with my hands. Olivia turned me around to face her and pulled me into a tight embrace.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have said anything," she whispered into my hair. I couldn't answer, I was crying too hard. And then I literally choked on a sob, and started coughing. I was practically hyperventilating and I couldn't catch my breath. Olivia gently pushed me back and took my face in her hands. I couldn't see anything through my tears. "Casey, sweetie, shhh. Casey, listen to me. Breathe, sweetie. Breathe with me. In – one, two, three, four… and out. Again," she coached me, doing it with me, until I was no longer choking. I was still breathing heavily and still crying. She put her hands back on my face, brushing the loose hair out of my eyes and wiping away the tears. It made me want to crumble to the floor.

The attention, the affection, the comforting – it was all getting too much for me. I wasn't used to it. So I gently moved her hands away and pushed past her to the couch. All I wanted was some alcohol to drown out everything that had happened that night. I didn't care if that wasn't how I should deal with my problems. All I knew was that it would help me forget faster and knock me out faster. And that was better than just lying in bed and waiting to fall asleep. Everything made sense now. How I dreaded the first nights with new boyfriends, or how when we would lie in bed, a gentle touch would send chills down my spine and make me jump. I guess in the back of my mind I knew why, but I never wanted to consciously think about it. Because then it would be real, and I wasn't strong enough to face it. But now I had to, and my thoughts were all over the place. But they all ran together at one point: my secret was the shame of being raped, not the abortion.

I sat stiffly on the couch and stared straight ahead, trying to send signals to Olivia to leave so I could wallow in self-pity alone. And I knew if I tried to drink while she was there – or if she knew I wanted to – she'd empty out all my bottles.

But she had seen this behavior her whole life and could read the plan in my eyes as easily as though I had told her. She sat next to me and tentatively took my hands in hers. I wanted to pull it away, but I knew that would appear too hostile, and Olivia had already done so much for me that night.

"I'm sorry, Casey. I'm sorry you had to go through everything. I'm sorry I was the one who pointed it out to you instead of you coming to terms with it on your own."

I didn't answer right away. It took me several minutes to gather my thoughts. I got up and paced back and forth and when I sat back down she took my hand again and gave it a reassuring squeeze. I took a deep breath. "It's okay. Yes, it was shocking, but now it all makes sense. I'd always wondered if there was something wrong with me, why I had such a hard time trusting people. And in a twisted way, knowing makes me feel better. I've spent the past several years unable to make the connection of my fear of relationships to that night with Chad. Or maybe I just didn't want to. I'd always wondered why I had trust issues with guys and why I was so afraid to let myself be loved and taken care of. I just grouped all the trauma of that time together and associated it with the abortion, because it was a more obvious scapegoat. I put the shame of being raped on the abortion. Because, really, I'm not ashamed I had an abortion. I don't regret it; I made the right decision. But I _thought_ I regretted it, but that was because I didn't want to face what really happened that night. Does that make sense? Am I making sense?"

"Yeah, you are. I understand what you're trying to say."

Talking it out was helping, a lot more than I expected. Suddenly I was glad Olivia forced me to listen and that she wouldn't leave until she heard some sort of closure. There was a lot of healing to be done, and the process wouldn't be over night. I still had a lot of demons to battle, but I felt infinitely better knowing I had somebody at my side. And most importantly, I knew the reasons behind my quirks and fears.

There was just one thing left to do. "Olivia, I know I've already taken up too much of your time tonight –"

"Don't even think that. What are friends for?" she interrupted.

I smiled and continued. "But would you help me with one more thing?"

"Of course."

"Will you help me empty all the bottles?" As much as I had wanted to earlier, now I didn't want to take any chances of drinking away my problems. Talking made me feel better than the alcohol would.

"Of course."

We went into my kitchen and got all the alcohol, save my wine and expensive tequila, and piled all the bottles on the counter by the sink. Together we poured the contents down the sink.

When we were finished I started to thank her, but she shushed me. No words I could have said would have been able to express my gratitude, and she knew that. Without saying anything, she knew how much it meant to me, and I knew I could always count on her.


End file.
